Insomnia strikes again.

Right now I am busy with studies. So here’s just a quickie update at whatever shit is going on. Am still struggling to read, which I very well know is not at all even bare minimum which is needed. But now am starting to have anxiety attacks. The usual feelings of gloom, despair and sadness. Along with headache, palpitations, nausea and acid reflux, worsening nasal congestion and asthma attack. How typical. For the last three and half months home, after taking PPIs for 15 days in may I was totally free of any heartburn or acidity, and not a single attack of asthma since I came home. And yesterday everything went for a toss. And to add to it, insomnia. I didn’t have the usual nap yesterday, yet was wide awake till 5 am today morning. Even took sedating antihistaminic with hopes that I could fall asleep, but I guess that stopped working long time ago. Hey does that count as drug abuse. My psychiatric colleague and former senior in Grad College kept telling me that I have “insight” into my problems so I wouldn’t be classified as a proper patient. Anyways, I was lying in bed not knowing what to do. I couldn’t even subway surf myself to sleep as phone’s batteries were dead. So I raided fridge and found 6 chicken spring rolls in freezer, thawed them and then roasted them on stove. Why do I turn to food for comfort? I had decided that I wouldn’t involve my family this time, troubled them enough, but then it became so unbearable, all this plus the gluttony guilt that I had to call up my spouse. She was surprised and bit groggy, but I guess my ranting and ravings might have shocked her. She sounded pretty upset and scared considering the past. She tried to reason with me. I promised her that I would pray and go to sleep. Still, no sleep. so finally at 5 am my daughter woke up for her feeding, and at that time I gave mom just a trailer of the things going on in my mind, and immediately told dad about it, and dad was spooked. Gosh. Why don’t I learn? From now I will have to clam up my feelings.

Finally after 5 hours of sleep I wake up and it felt like a very bad hangover (though I have never taken a drink in my entire life I have no idea but I guess it should be the same watching stuff in movies). I had some very bad nightmares. And also I saw dead people. Seeing people, who are already dead, even if they are my grandparents, always freaks me out. So took a shower and now feeling much better. But I still have an uphill task before me.