Finally a bit better. And that’s after whole day of guzzling
cocktail of anti-histaminics and snorting corticosteroid up my damned nose. Benefit
of being a licensed doctor, I can self medicate. Oh my God, does that make me a
pharmaceutical drug junkie, or more specific anti-allergy one? All you lovely
people don’t write me off as one please, actually those drugs did make me
better. Though am a bit woozy still, but hey, no sleep. I guess over the last
decade I may have turned immune to the side effects!!! My pharmacology
professors would disagree, ha ha.
But there is no such thing as free lunch, with my physical
health improving, the blue clouds started gathering around my head, but thank
God they didn’t turn into a fully fledged tropical storm. I have been bobbing
up and down in the river of misery kicking and thrashing with all my might. Finally
managed to convince myself that, still nothing is lost. I will bounce back. Shine
bright like a diamond, like that Barbados Babe Rihanna croons. I would have uploaded
that song too in my inspirational video series but there is also mention of
moonshine and molly in the lyrics and that against my principles. I absolutely
do not promote alcohol and drugs, especially for people like me. That’s one of
the two songs that I have been playing on loop since yesterday ; the other
being Bridge of Light.
So with my nose and throat clearing up, settling into the
reality was a bit difficult. Realize that only one day left for the exam. It’s
the same story all over aging. And I really don’t want to screw it this time
around. I need help. I guess, you all must be wondering what a whine he is. And
a lazy ass. Why the hell he just can’t glue down his ass and open book and read
like a normal person would do? Even I am
wondering the same. Well let me try to answer this. First thing, am not your
average regular normal person. Never been. Since childhood. Since my kiddy days
I have been this precocious kid but I was too lazy to be bothered to hone any of my talents. I was smart and
intelligent, not just books wise, good looking, popular with opposite sex,
had love hate relationship with teachers. You could see me anywhere in school,
right from the front row in class to playground to detention. I was the good
bad boy. But then I took everything for granted, specially my brains. After the
unprecedented success in 10th grade board exams everything went downhill. Success went to my
head. In college my performance graph
was exactly like a diagrammatic representation of alternating current (AC). Reflected on my mood swings. I have always been
this phoenix, rose from my own ashes only to fall again. Only this time I have
fallen too far deep into an abyss. During
my residency days due to the constant mental trauma I just started hating
everything around me. I lost interest in my own subject. I just hate to read. I
hate to even to touch those books. Though I can proudly say that my practical
knowledge in patient management was great. Finally I managed to somehow cram my
way through those books before last exams. I passed theory but failed in practical
exam. Ironical, eh? Cutting back to present, I just can’t force myself to touch
these books again. Even if I manage to open and read them, something or the
other comes up and reminds me of the wasted 4 years of my life which leaves me
angry and sad. And I stop reading. Right now it’s exactly like what happened in
the last prelim exams in February. Uncanny and scary. People might say twice
bitten and still not shy. But nobody knows what crap goes on in my head. I feel like I am spiralling down the tunnel of doom.
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