So, What is next?

So here we are. One issue down. Well the purpose of starting this blog was to document the total mess my life was in and my faltering steps to get everything up and running back. I passed THE EXAM finally. So apparently all I am left with is the Weight Loss shenanigans. Honestly I just don’t feel anything at present. Yeah, I did mention in the previous post that I was having emotions just like the vocal range of the legendary Whitney Houston. A whole wide range, to be precise. But that has passed. Ok, there might be some anger still simmering beneath the surface or a bit of fear lurking around in the dark corners of my mind, but overall it is the indifference. The actual big question is WHAT IS NEXT? That is exactly what everyone around asks me the very moment after congratulating me. If I had my ways, I would snap, none of your business dude, but alas I can’t do that. I am a grown up and now a professional, and that does not sound very mature or a professional thing to do. However hard I may try to avoid it, but “WHAT IS NEXT?” does hang in front of my eyes like that famed HOLLYWOOD sign. And the best part? I am totally clueless. 

I have absolutely no idea. I have been at home for six months, not having touched a scalpel since that long. And as usual I lack confidence in myself. I really can’t stand people judging me, but when I will step out in the REAL world all eyes would be one me, as a professional of course (now I ain’t a supermodel or something, duh.) I think I do have something up my sleeve, but I don’t know why but it sounds a bit hare brained to me, may be downright stupid to others. But I can’t think of any other thing, given the history. I am planning to join a senior surgeon, just as an observer. That is the dumbest idea, given that I am a certified surgeon myself. Honestly I have lost faith in myself completely. Anyways I have been out of the loop, sitting at home for the last six months. So that is my plan for getting back in the grind. I might think of a teaching job. I love to teach. Right now money isn’t everything for me. I might sound a romantic when I say this, but believe me I am not that anymore, it is only for time being and I do have other plans but too early to say about them. Don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch.

Anyways coming down to the weight loss thingy, I am not going anywhere with that. Already I had gained back 4 kilos. And I have been pretty irregular with gym this week. Honestly haven’t been to gym since Monday. That’s real bad physically and financially. Am wasting my bucks it seems. Plus add to it that wifey was here for the holidays. And the holiday themselves. All that adds up to bloated fat feeling, which I guess are manifesting for real. Right now am scared to get upon the scales. I am pretty sure they would swing in the unfavorable direction. 

Remember I told you that I have two important weddings to attend in the first weeks of November and December each. Right now am planning to skip the November wedding. Reasons, gadget, reasons. So for the December wedding I have exactly 7 weeks to get into shape. Well I might even have to resort to some squishy innerwear (hey I hadn’t anticipated the recent weight gain, and it is all in the middle area). Still even if I have a loss of 1 kilo per week, which means literally starving myself and is near impossible, it comes to a measly 7 kilo weight loss. Only if I set a goal of 2 kilos that is 4.4 pounds loss per week then I might end up at 80 kilos, and that I guess would definitely show on my frame. But that’s totally impossible to achieve. Still they say, if you wanna reach the tree tops aim for the stars…. In no way it can be real but that’s the way I will have to go if I wanna razzle dazzle at the wedding…….

So let’s kick in from tomorrow…….all the best to me, myself and I.

YIPPPEEEE

Yippee-doodle-do......I passed that dreaded exam. Finally. After a four and half years instead of the normal three. But I did it. That is more important. I believe the good is yet to come. And it will all be right in the face of my detractors. But for that I will have to change. Can't continue to be the stupid ol' me. But I will do it. Go on. They haven't seen the last of me.

Right now I don't know how to feel. I should be feeling happy that finally it is over. That am a certified surgeon now. But I am also sad it took too long to reach here. Rather, I deserved it way earlier but was denied. It is a mixed bag of emotions. It is also scary that now I have to step out in to the real world. Work a regular job, a thing I have never done before, build a patient base, make a name for myself. Thinking about all this scares the hell out of me. I am not a people's person. I am really bad at communicating. And the fact that am painfully shy and total introvert doesn't help either. Damn.......

"Mirror Mirror on the wall....Who is the fattest of them all?"

Another day at the gym. Another cardio day, as I had mentioned previously. Right now am continuing with cardio till this weekend. Today I decided to push myself a little more. I did 30 mins on treadmill with jogging for 10 mins. It did require a little effort especially on a modest incline of 3, but it wasn’t as difficult as before. I remember the time when I started the gym, where even a light workout on the treadmill would seem like facing imminent death. My face would go all red, my head would feel as if it would explode, my chest seemed to burst out and my legs all wobbly. If some stranger had seen me outside like that they would have called the ambulance. All the muscles in the body would cry out in unison and seem to curse me for bringing them out of a long overdue hibernation against their will. Na, nothing sort of that happened this time around. It was like a cruise in the park. It means two things, first I have still haven’t lost much over last two months, and second I need to step up on the exercise. The sudden deluge of the people like me in the gym is good for my self esteem. I can hide in this mass of overweight people, instead lumbering up and down like a water buffalo among those gym junkies. Also I try to avoid mirrors at all costs. They are very degrading. In my gym the cardio area thankfully doesn't have the glass paneling but the floor exercise room and the workout areas are completely lined by glass from the floor to the ceiling. Whenever I happen to look at a full body image of mine by chance, the reflection in the mirror seems to mock at me “hey fatso, you are never getting rid of all this fat, you will always be like this”.  I realize I am so fat and it is long way up from here. I feel so terrible on seeing that glob of fat in the mirror, with unsightly vision of spare tires and man boobs projecting out. At times I wonder how the hell did I end up getting that fat? And that my folks, is depressing. I know.

So true......

A (re)new beginning

 Well I am not sure. There is a part of me that is raring to go. And there is another part of me that is holding back. In some not so tiny corner of my heart, there is a little hankering about the outcome of the pending exam results. Also as I mentioned in the previous post, it is also about the scary prospects of facing the real world. It is a dog eats a dog and a man eats a man in the professional world out there. Whatever that is, well only time will tell. At present I have got to focus on the things right in front of me. 

First of all, there is nothing good on TV these days. Right before the exams all the good shows were on. The rerun of the sixth season of The Big Bang Theory also got over!! Me sad. I had previously missed the original airing as I was away at college. I love that show. Nothing else interests me these days. I like only comedies. Drama, crime or soaps and sports don’t interest me much. And the movie channels. They are in cahoots with the general entertainment channels. At present all they show are the shitty movies. Before my exams they used to air all good and interesting movies which I wasn’t able to watch. And now when I have time to spare, all I get to see are the dubbed Chinese movies. Hindi channels? Forget it totally. The content of those shows is so regressive and stupid and mind numbingly idiotic that actually I squirm in disgust every time I accidentally land on one of those channels. Even the movie theatres aren’t showing any good movies around. I don’t mind going to theatre alone. What the heck, I don’t care if people think am sort of a loser or whatever. I have been to McDonald’s a couple of times alone. Last time I remember when I asked for seating for one, the waiter made such a face, I wasn’t sure it was sympathy or plain disgust or worry about serving a sociopath. So the movies at the cinema are out of question now too.


Coming to weight loss mission, I decided to go shopping to get myself some new gear, just to keep myself inspired. Soles were coming off my old running shoes and the old faithful track pants were getting pulled apart at the seams because once an elephant strode in them. So I bought new Reebok running shoes and two track pants from Agile ( I needed something in cotton, I sweat a lot and chaff easily, so those fancy materials from big brands don’t suit me). I also got myself a new mp3 player, iPod shuffle to be precise. I needed it because the music is too loud at the gym. It is so loud that I believe most of the instructors there are already deaf, from their need to shout every time they open their mouth and for me to yell at the top of my lungs to converse with them. Oh but I still love my gym, right? Also my phone is too heavy to lug around the gym and it keeps falling out of the track pants. This entire haul set me back my 10000 rupees, obviously borrowed from dad, but I guess it is worth it. It actually makes me look forward to those lonely sessions at gym (now, I didn’t say boring) cause I am yet to make any friends over there. What a loser you must say, but I can’t help it, I am painfully shy. I was never like this; I used to be total extrovert before the college. I guess blame the residency for everything (wink, wink and smirk). Anyways I am uploading the pictures of my new shoes and my new iPod shuffle. Don’t worry I am not going to post an image of the track pants, am not THAT sad.

Total fan. They look so cool. Pretty pricey but totally worth it. Fit like a dream. Totally comfy. Never had pair like this.

It is so tiny! And I guess it weighs as much.

The iPod did come with those typical Apple headphones but they kept falling out of my ears on a slightest move. And they were white. So I bought these Panasonic bass boosting in your ear headphones. Not as good sounding as my old Samsung ones but pretty decent.

The goal of touching 75 kg by my 30th birthday is still on. I still have nearly 20 kg to lose. But before that, there are two weddings coming up in November and December. Both will be some sort of reunion, the December one will have more people turning up I guess. So yours truly, has a humble little wish, that is to razzle dazzle the weddings. I want to show people that this Fat isn’t forever. I can look good too. But before that let us hope that I clear my exam, because the social exile still continues till the results are out.

So I am back.....Alive......

Life's like a box of chocolates – you never know what you're gonna get.

That’s from the movie Forrest Gump. Well I guess I too have come along to take on life like that. So I am back. I did survive the exam time. But let me tell you it was a big disaster. That’s all I will write about it. It is too painful for me to describe and also I don’t want to relieve those harrowing times again. It is over and done with. Just hoping for the results to declare me as passed. It might be too optimistic to expect that but then I have faith in God, to address my prayers.

So that basically means I am at home with nothing to do all day. This is going to last till the result are out. Whatever the outcome, I will have to go job hunting based on my skills and presence or absence of the degree. I am not confident enough. This exam shook my foundations. I really can’t be bad as they made me out to be in the exam. Actually the prospects are quite scary. Finally I will be stepping out in the real world. And it is bad I tell you fellas. I had a slice of it, or rather a big fat chunk of it during the doomed residency. I suppose real life wouldn’t be easy either. Anyways

“Que sera sera…

Whatever will be, will be…

It is not for us to see……”



Till then I am lazing around at home but not relaxed at all. The doomed sword of the results still hangs over my head. But then I have decided to utilize the time to the fullest. I have already wasted 4 days since exams. Okay, not completely wasted. I cleared up my bedroom and got rid of all the junk. Donated some old clothes, those which I held on to for such a long time in a tiny little hope that one day I might fit into them. But now I realized those are not in style anymore. Thus there is no point in holding onto those slivers from the past when I was slim and healthy …blah blah blah. Reorganized my wardrobe and all my electronic gadgets. The entire bedroom looks pretty decent and inviting too. Wifey would have been so proud of me if she saw it. And I also plan to revamp the rest of the rooms (read helping mom to reorganize stuff which has been thrown in disarray post my exam and small renovations/repairs around the house) starting with the upper storey of the house. But there is a small glitch. This would involve sorting out my reading room which has most of my books scattered around in all sorts of fashion. I AM REPULSED BY THEM. DON’T WANT TO TOUCH THEM AGAIN. The mere sight of them lets the air out of this happy balloon that is floating in my head. And I really really dread touching them. I loathe the very thought of putting them back on the shelves. But it has to be done, no other way. Well, someday my dears, someday.

Now let us come down to one of the other goals of this blog, the Weight Loss. Well, the back to back schedule of the exams threw everything off the track. No exercise at all with the whole day spent sitting at my desk or snoozing in my comfy bed. Also there was complete disregard to what I put in my mouth. Every time my guilt hit me I pacified myself saying that this was all temporary. All that is done is done. Now the only way is ahead. Right? Yeah.

I started gym again today (two months of membership wasted, that is 2500 rupees, ouch!). Oh how much I missed my gym. I love it! This time I saw many guys and gals like me. Poor souls trying to undo what bad eating habits, poor metabolism and basically bad genes did to them. And yes, the usual gym junkies were there too, flaunting their toned bodies and flexing those massive muscles. I am not as fit as I was when I stopped going to it but am certainly am much better when I started it previously. That’s kind of a boost for my ego. All is not lost. Did a brisk walk on tread mill for 20 minutes and I hardly broke a sweat. I thought I could start running but then decided to hold back in order not to risk any injury. Spent next 15 minutes on the elliptical machine at mid levels and I seemed to be flying on it. Same story with the stationary cycle. The only place where I actually realized that I was lagging behind was when it came to abs exercises. Whoa man!!! I need to work on them. Slowly but surely, buddies I will land with a flat abdomen. Okay I might not get those coveted 6 packs or even a washboard abdomen, but certainly I reach a stage where my tummy won’t be visible through my regular clothes (wink wink). I have decided to go with cardio this whole week till I build up some stamina and get my lazy asthmatic lungs to expand. I plan to add muscle training from next week. All I know is that muscle training is equally important for a steady weight loss. I don’t intend to bulk up but certainly want to get toned up. I have also decided to take up dance. In the privacy of my bedroom, of course. What do ya expect? No way I would go shimmying about in public (which by that is one of my favorite moves, heehaw). I also plan to somehow integrate that previously mentioned ancient specimen of a treadmill that I have ensconced in my home.

When I began I weighed 105 kgs. I had touched down to 90 kgs before the exams. Right now am back at 94 kgs. 93.9 kg, to be precise, according to the scale at my gym. It is not much of a gain as I had dreaded. And I am sure I will get back down again. But the only problem is my eating habits. That is a story for some other day folks. It is so hard not to put anything delicious into your gob when you are totally bored at home.

And it is not just my body and health. I have decided to take care of other aspects of my looks. A couple of people happened to mention that I looked around 35 (no malice intended I guess) when I am not even 30 yet. I have to take to care of my face and hair (which seems to be falling out in clumps). I have been genetically blessed with a good skin, thus totally ignored. I don’t even scar easily. My hair, a different story altogether, it is low quality but very high maintenance. I might sound a bit poncy here but I don’t want to look older than my age!!! It is not about hiding my age (I have even few grays on the temples, and I don’t bother) but then who wants to look older than they actually are??? 35!!???!!! That is the limit.



Phew. I got so much to say, so much to write. And I promise I will. I will also write some sensible pieces rather than bleating about myself every time. Bye.