Friday 30 August 2013

Day 21 (3 weeks to go)

Another day gone and now only 20 days left for the theory exams. I spent the whole day reading, well, most of it. Honestly. Finished reading Urinary Bladder, Urethra and Penis from the theory section and the urinary symptoms from the practical part. But then retaining what I read in my already overloaded and burnt out brain is on shaky grounds. Not too confident of what I read. The reason is that I also solved the mcqs of the corresponding chapters from AA. I realized where I stand in these waters; not in the shallow pools but stuck in the deep murky ends. Just 20 days left! The panic is slowly creeping back in. I could sense it especially in the evening when I was alone at home. This actually happened two or three times today. Those all familiar sense of doom, helplessness and heaviness are beginning to make their not so welcome visits again. And I fought them off by stuffing myself with food. I don’t know what came over me. I am again using food as a weapon to fight stress. I know I end up getting all heavy and totally bent out of shape. This is all going against the goals I have set for myself.  

By the way I have set a new goal, to touch 80 kg by the end of the December first week, that’s when my roomie from Grad College is getting married. It’s going to be a reunion of sorts. Mostly everyone is going to be free by that time of year and may attend. I just want to razzle dazzle everyone in that wedding. I have had enough of people cracking fat jokes at me or being all sympathetic at all the health problems that I have due to excess weight. I just want to make them hang their jaws in surprise when they see me, well a kind of good surprise, not shock.  I will have exactly 2 months after exams get over. I am also planning to join swimming later. I know it’s going to be pretty cold by then (not good for my entire airway) and I always tan very badly and I don’t want to look bad at the wedding. So that’s still not decided. But I am going to diet like crazy and exercise like a maniac if I have to. Some dedication!!!
That’s enough of rambling for the day. At times I feel that my writing is very trivial, commonplace and boring. It should be more funny more witty, that I should spice it up. But then I realize that this is a straightforward blog about getting my life back on track, fumbling and bumbling along the way. Yeah it should be funny and light-hearted but right now with the gloomy clouds of exams looming on the horizon, I actually don’t have time and stamina to make my writing more interesting. So you will have to bear with straightforward writing right from my heart or my mind or whatever….
So with the studies part the train is slowly pulling out of the station, gearing up to speed down towards the destination and not be a runaway train that it usually ends up being. Weight loss on the other hand, is totally tossed out of the window of that moving train. The third thing, which I have often sidelined is praying. I need to pray more regularly and sincerely. Religion actually does offer you a grounding force. It keeps you clear headed and alleviates all anxiety and panic. It always makes you feel fresh. It makes you a better human being at the end of the day. I will have to be very regular with that. Yes, I am a religious person, but not superstitious, I go by The Book. It’s a part of who I am. But I am not some fanatic either. So I better get that train on track too.

Anyways, today am feeling quite sleepy despite having napped for 2 hours in the afternoon. So am signing off. Take care and to all those in USA have a great labor day weekend.........

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