Day 17 ( a strong sense of Deja vu, again!?!)

Another day is over.

Oops I did it again! I played with the time and got lost in the game! oh baby baby.....
Thats what Britney Spears crooned ages ago. And that's what exactly I am doing right now with my studies. Today woke up at 11 in morning despite multiple alarms. 11 a.m.!! Can you believe it? Struggled whole day with anger, despair and fear. Managed to finish most the topics from the chapter of Stomach. But on opening Maingot, I was in for a shock. There is still so much left to read. The days are flying past rapidly and the schedule is getting tighter and tighter. Its only 16 days left. It's last time all over again. Last time I had reading vacation of 16 days which I totally squandered. Things aren't much different this time again. May be this time I won't be starting on blank canvas, but again, it has been a long time, and don't remember much of the stuff that I read last time. And yeah, last time out of those 16 days, I read significantly only in the last 7 days, after I was forced to move back to college. Come to think of it, it was all conspiracy against me by a so-called friend/ esteemed consultant. Anyways, I will work my ass off really hard this time.

Food wise a day well spent. Obviously I missed breakfast. For lunch I had 2 plateful of lentil-yogurt soup. Two cookies and very small cup of  vanilla ice cream (80 ml to be precise) in the evening followed by 3 rotis and tuna in tomato sauce. And yeah, throw in couple of bread sticks here and there plus 3 cups of black coffee. Am getting good at least at this. Gotta go. As Robert Frost has famously said,

THE WOODS ARE LOVELY DARK AND DEEP
BUT I HAVE PROMISES TO KEEP
AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP
AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP.

Definitely its a long way ahead......

Day 18 (totally down the drain)

A bad day. Bad bad day. Really bad bad bad day. In every way. A very messed up Monday. Why do I hate Mondays even though right now for me all the weeks of the day are just the same, may be its the scars from the past that refuse to heal. So basically NO studying at all. Nothing. Zero. I slept till 3 in the afternoon. Started to read Burns, all I could manage to read was a measly one page. Rest of the time I just wasted on doing insignificant things or playing with my daughter. That is it. Totally screwed up. And after whole day of eating very minimal, I gorged on food in the evening. All in one day what  I ate- A cup of milk, 4 rotis, 3 eggs (two boiled and one omelet), a tub of roasted puffed rice, two plateful of shrimp fried rice, 2 packets of Maggi  noodles and finally 3 bowls of ice cream. I am again showing those dangerous signs again. Running away from reality and turning to food for comfort. Its not good, neither for my career or for my health and all this weight busting saga. I am lost all again. I just cant go on like this. Only 17 days left for the exam, its just like last time all over again. I can sense the subtle signs of depression setting in. O God, I don't want to repeat same mistakes all over again! 

Just like that......

Just a random post. Nothing specific.....dropped in to say hi to all of you.

To all those people reading this blog, thank you all so much. 

To everyone from USA and Cananda a big hello and a bigger thank you.

To everyone from my homeland, India, namaste aur shukriya.

To all those lovely people in France, bonjour et un très grand merci.

To the friends from up north, Russia, привет и очень большое спасибо.

To people from beautiful Malasiya, khabar dan yang sangat besar terima kasih.

To the South Koreans, 큰 인사와 큰 당신을 감사하십시오.

To everyone in Germany, ein großes Hallo und ein herzliches Dankeschön.

To people from Serbia (am surprised!), Поздрав и хвала.

To people from Denmark, Hallo en bedankt.

To the people from down south, Venezuela and Uruguay, Hola y gracias.......

now before you think I am a polyglot, this is a miracle called Google Translate.........

Day 19 (Getting there, slowly but surely)

So the Sunday is over. Now only two Sundays left before exam. Whoa! That’s getting a wee bit scary now. Not even three weeks left. The monstrosity called EXAMS is approaching closer as each day passes by. I can see the dark clouds on the horizon, and the winds of time are blowing in my direction. Soon I will be staring exams right into the eyes. And that’s freaking me out now. I never had this bad case of exam phobia. It would be easy to blame it on the residency. Because, prior to this, I never had the fear of unknown. But now that fear is totally debilitating and incapacitating. It’s like my handicap. I need to be strong. Just like from the movie Rocky, no fear no fear no fear no fear…………

Got a little off track there, didn’t I? So coming down to how the day went, well again, I woke up late. Nothing unusual about it. But then I gained momentum as the day passed. Somehow I managed to finish the chapter of Esophagus, only from Bailey and Love albeit. I had planned to read the operative part from Maingot. But the day is over now and I am sleepy now (I don’t wanna resort to caffeine to stimulate my brain cuz then I will be bouncing off the walls till early morning). And honestly I napped for almost two hours in the afternoon and post dinner I went down to the supermarket and stationary shop to run some errands and have whiled away time since then. From the practical schedule I finished reading Dyphagia. I realized that Hematemesis is in the next chapter that is due tomorrow, Stomach. So instead I read a topic from endoscopy. But my biggest misery, that I am not at all confident of what I have read, and I don’t remember a word I read and wont recall anything in exam, continues to plague me. Now I am really bad at rote learning. Mugging is not my cup of tea. Oh no, my brain doesn’t work that way. I have to first grasp things and make mental images. That’s the how wheels move in my head. So I have decided to revise Esophagus along with entire GUT along the way, in bits and pieces, as the circumstances permit.

Today I was really a good boy when it came to eating. For breakfast I had a bowl of muesli. Lunch consisted of spiced chickpeas and at dinnertime, I had chicken noodle soup. But then I had go and ruin everything at the end of the day by having a big slice of black forest cake (which was bad anyways) and 200ml of grape juice ( with sugar added in it, saw it later, they didn’t have my usual brand). Damn. Why the hell do they have that stationary and cake shop side by side? It’s not my fault. The reason am so agitated at myself right now is that the cake wasn’t even good. Not like that red velvet cake I mentioned before. Ummmmm …..Now that was a really great cake. That classic mouthwatering moment this is.

Something really funny happened with me in afternoon.  I was getting doozy from all the brain wrecking with Esophageal Motility Disorders, so I started playing music on my phone. Half way through the song, Bridge of light I suddenly felt the urge to cry. Sort of everything that happened in last 4 and half years just flashed before my eyes. All the injustices, all the torture, all the insults came running to me as it was all yesterday. I felt a lump in my throat. But as usual, I couldn’t just let it out. Was unable to blow the lid off to provide a vent to my emotions. So instead of crying it out, I decided to pray. And I actually did feel much better after prayers. Though I had some pretty weird dreams involving my department after that when I went off to sleep but still I woke up fresh.

So I decided. Enough is enough. And this fight that I am fighting, it’s just not for me alone. It’s also a fight for my parents, my wife, my kid and all those people who believe in me. All those people who put up for me. I can’t let these people down this time again. I WILL GET IN THERE AND I WILL GET IT GOOD.

So just in order to constantly remind me of the tasks ahead and to keep myself on track, I decided to take help from two small objects. First is a very old ring that belongs to my late grandfather whom I used to call dada. It’s a silver ring with I don’t know which stone set in it, in fact even the setting has come off a bit loose. The dirty green stone is all wobbly in the silver right. In fact this ring is so old that I don’t remember dada wearing it ever in my whole life. I had accidentally come across it when we were sorting out his stuff after he passed away. I kept it with me as his memory even though it was way loose on all my fingers back then, I was not this fat always!!!  The second is that yellow rubber band with “LIVESTRONG” etched on it which I guess needs no introduction. Had bought it during my boho days in college when it was fashionable to sport ‘em. I actually do have them in other colors but I guess yellow is the color of cheerfulness (that’s why the smiley is yellow, isn’t it?). So right now I am donning these two things as a constant reminder to get my act straight this time and not screw up.

Day 20 (A day totally wasted)

Another day but the same ol’ story. Crappy story. I couldn't fall asleep whole night, was awake till morning. After breakfast, one big fat attack of rhinitis. Slept till evening after ODing on antihistaminics ( I really must do something about these allergies, it’s spiraling out of control, my whole life is being impeded by it). Despite lagging behind on the schedule, I whiled away whole evening doing nothing productive ( adding post-its on the first page of each chapter, scribbled with questions asked from the previous exams, when I already have a ready question bank, doesn't count to be fruitful exactly). So here I am back to where I started. Now it is time to say bye-bye to the urinary system as from tomorrow I have to start on the gastro-intestinal system according to the schedule.

Today, after being holed up inside my house for exactly four months (27^th April was that black day, gadget, a really black day) I finally missed being out there in the midst of all the action. I mean I always wanted a long break, it had been nearly decade and half of the vicious cycle of studying and exams and I was sick and tired, physically and mentally. But now I really miss seeing the patients, diagnosing their conditions and treating them, operating them. Who would have thought of it? I just want to get back into the thick of the things as soon as I can. Hey, that’s exactly what I wanted to do all these years. That’s what I slaved my ass off, sacrificed so many things. Now, am not getting onto my high horse and screaming my lungs out that we, doctors are the noblest creatures and we sacrifice so many personal things for the sake of the society. But it’s a fact, yeah. Agreed, there are some, may be many, black sheep who bring bad name to medical community, but overall, becoming a doctor does entail letting go of many things in life. There can be no denying in that.

Anyways coming back to my train-wrecked life, it’s dangerously close to getting derailed again. I have to pull up my act.  There were people who wrote me off time and again, some people who didn't even know me personally, and every time I bounced back, just like a phoenix. These people, what have I done to deserve such harsh words from you guys. Some of you have even never met me! Can’t they just watch that movie Bambi and learn that “if you can’t say something nice to someone then just b quiet”. It might be difficult for you if I had screwed up your life, but in case you even don’t know me, how hard is that? And for all the people who know me, well then you haven't seen the last of me.....-.

Now about watching what I eat, today I ate sensibly, in fact perfectly within the limits. Actually its 2 a.m. now and am hungry! But all I will do is to gulp down chilled water and have few almonds. No exercise. That’s anyways out of question now till the exams get over. So take care and have a great weekend everyone. Live life.

Here’s just a song, today I came across while watching TV (I know, me watching TV???) from a show called Glee, sung by a character in some sort of audition/contest. Honestly the first time I heard about the show when its lead star Cory Monteith died (and the show was already 4 seasons old; the hermit me!) and thought it must be just another fluffy song and dance show.  Hey but recently I have seen couple of episodes and I actually did like the singing part. So enjoy this little pep number. I have absolutely no idea who performed this originally and right now I have no time and inclination to find out.

Tomorrow is another day friends. Just as Grizabella in CATS sings 

Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life

And I musn't give in

When the dawn comes

Tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin..................