Yay......I have a JOB now!!!!

Hello everyone out there......It has been a long time since I wrote anything.........

Post results, I did nothing but chilled out, finally, after all these years of working my ass off. Finally I got my lazy ass of the couch and went job hunting. Landed a job, not a designation that was planned, and salary definitely way below the expectations, but the duty hours are pretty less. Also I get to have some sort of independence with my work So I guess it is OK . I also can freelance if I want to. So may be it isn't that bad after all.

Just one more thing. The feeling of finally being free, settled in actually after I joined this new job. That feeling of uselessness is finally dissipating and being replaced by a premonition that finally things are looking up for me........Rest everything as usual. Will catch up with you guys soon.....

So, What is next?

So here we are. One issue down. Well the purpose of starting this blog was to document the total mess my life was in and my faltering steps to get everything up and running back. I passed THE EXAM finally. So apparently all I am left with is the Weight Loss shenanigans. Honestly I just don’t feel anything at present. Yeah, I did mention in the previous post that I was having emotions just like the vocal range of the legendary Whitney Houston. A whole wide range, to be precise. But that has passed. Ok, there might be some anger still simmering beneath the surface or a bit of fear lurking around in the dark corners of my mind, but overall it is the indifference. The actual big question is WHAT IS NEXT? That is exactly what everyone around asks me the very moment after congratulating me. If I had my ways, I would snap, none of your business dude, but alas I can’t do that. I am a grown up and now a professional, and that does not sound very mature or a professional thing to do. However hard I may try to avoid it, but “WHAT IS NEXT?” does hang in front of my eyes like that famed HOLLYWOOD sign. And the best part? I am totally clueless. 

I have absolutely no idea. I have been at home for six months, not having touched a scalpel since that long. And as usual I lack confidence in myself. I really can’t stand people judging me, but when I will step out in the REAL world all eyes would be one me, as a professional of course (now I ain’t a supermodel or something, duh.) I think I do have something up my sleeve, but I don’t know why but it sounds a bit hare brained to me, may be downright stupid to others. But I can’t think of any other thing, given the history. I am planning to join a senior surgeon, just as an observer. That is the dumbest idea, given that I am a certified surgeon myself. Honestly I have lost faith in myself completely. Anyways I have been out of the loop, sitting at home for the last six months. So that is my plan for getting back in the grind. I might think of a teaching job. I love to teach. Right now money isn’t everything for me. I might sound a romantic when I say this, but believe me I am not that anymore, it is only for time being and I do have other plans but too early to say about them. Don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch.

Anyways coming down to the weight loss thingy, I am not going anywhere with that. Already I had gained back 4 kilos. And I have been pretty irregular with gym this week. Honestly haven’t been to gym since Monday. That’s real bad physically and financially. Am wasting my bucks it seems. Plus add to it that wifey was here for the holidays. And the holiday themselves. All that adds up to bloated fat feeling, which I guess are manifesting for real. Right now am scared to get upon the scales. I am pretty sure they would swing in the unfavorable direction. 

Remember I told you that I have two important weddings to attend in the first weeks of November and December each. Right now am planning to skip the November wedding. Reasons, gadget, reasons. So for the December wedding I have exactly 7 weeks to get into shape. Well I might even have to resort to some squishy innerwear (hey I hadn’t anticipated the recent weight gain, and it is all in the middle area). Still even if I have a loss of 1 kilo per week, which means literally starving myself and is near impossible, it comes to a measly 7 kilo weight loss. Only if I set a goal of 2 kilos that is 4.4 pounds loss per week then I might end up at 80 kilos, and that I guess would definitely show on my frame. But that’s totally impossible to achieve. Still they say, if you wanna reach the tree tops aim for the stars…. In no way it can be real but that’s the way I will have to go if I wanna razzle dazzle at the wedding…….

So let’s kick in from tomorrow…….all the best to me, myself and I.

YIPPPEEEE

Yippee-doodle-do......I passed that dreaded exam. Finally. After a four and half years instead of the normal three. But I did it. That is more important. I believe the good is yet to come. And it will all be right in the face of my detractors. But for that I will have to change. Can't continue to be the stupid ol' me. But I will do it. Go on. They haven't seen the last of me.

Right now I don't know how to feel. I should be feeling happy that finally it is over. That am a certified surgeon now. But I am also sad it took too long to reach here. Rather, I deserved it way earlier but was denied. It is a mixed bag of emotions. It is also scary that now I have to step out in to the real world. Work a regular job, a thing I have never done before, build a patient base, make a name for myself. Thinking about all this scares the hell out of me. I am not a people's person. I am really bad at communicating. And the fact that am painfully shy and total introvert doesn't help either. Damn.......

"Mirror Mirror on the wall....Who is the fattest of them all?"

Another day at the gym. Another cardio day, as I had mentioned previously. Right now am continuing with cardio till this weekend. Today I decided to push myself a little more. I did 30 mins on treadmill with jogging for 10 mins. It did require a little effort especially on a modest incline of 3, but it wasn’t as difficult as before. I remember the time when I started the gym, where even a light workout on the treadmill would seem like facing imminent death. My face would go all red, my head would feel as if it would explode, my chest seemed to burst out and my legs all wobbly. If some stranger had seen me outside like that they would have called the ambulance. All the muscles in the body would cry out in unison and seem to curse me for bringing them out of a long overdue hibernation against their will. Na, nothing sort of that happened this time around. It was like a cruise in the park. It means two things, first I have still haven’t lost much over last two months, and second I need to step up on the exercise. The sudden deluge of the people like me in the gym is good for my self esteem. I can hide in this mass of overweight people, instead lumbering up and down like a water buffalo among those gym junkies. Also I try to avoid mirrors at all costs. They are very degrading. In my gym the cardio area thankfully doesn't have the glass paneling but the floor exercise room and the workout areas are completely lined by glass from the floor to the ceiling. Whenever I happen to look at a full body image of mine by chance, the reflection in the mirror seems to mock at me “hey fatso, you are never getting rid of all this fat, you will always be like this”.  I realize I am so fat and it is long way up from here. I feel so terrible on seeing that glob of fat in the mirror, with unsightly vision of spare tires and man boobs projecting out. At times I wonder how the hell did I end up getting that fat? And that my folks, is depressing. I know.

So true......

A (re)new beginning

 Well I am not sure. There is a part of me that is raring to go. And there is another part of me that is holding back. In some not so tiny corner of my heart, there is a little hankering about the outcome of the pending exam results. Also as I mentioned in the previous post, it is also about the scary prospects of facing the real world. It is a dog eats a dog and a man eats a man in the professional world out there. Whatever that is, well only time will tell. At present I have got to focus on the things right in front of me. 

First of all, there is nothing good on TV these days. Right before the exams all the good shows were on. The rerun of the sixth season of The Big Bang Theory also got over!! Me sad. I had previously missed the original airing as I was away at college. I love that show. Nothing else interests me these days. I like only comedies. Drama, crime or soaps and sports don’t interest me much. And the movie channels. They are in cahoots with the general entertainment channels. At present all they show are the shitty movies. Before my exams they used to air all good and interesting movies which I wasn’t able to watch. And now when I have time to spare, all I get to see are the dubbed Chinese movies. Hindi channels? Forget it totally. The content of those shows is so regressive and stupid and mind numbingly idiotic that actually I squirm in disgust every time I accidentally land on one of those channels. Even the movie theatres aren’t showing any good movies around. I don’t mind going to theatre alone. What the heck, I don’t care if people think am sort of a loser or whatever. I have been to McDonald’s a couple of times alone. Last time I remember when I asked for seating for one, the waiter made such a face, I wasn’t sure it was sympathy or plain disgust or worry about serving a sociopath. So the movies at the cinema are out of question now too.


Coming to weight loss mission, I decided to go shopping to get myself some new gear, just to keep myself inspired. Soles were coming off my old running shoes and the old faithful track pants were getting pulled apart at the seams because once an elephant strode in them. So I bought new Reebok running shoes and two track pants from Agile ( I needed something in cotton, I sweat a lot and chaff easily, so those fancy materials from big brands don’t suit me). I also got myself a new mp3 player, iPod shuffle to be precise. I needed it because the music is too loud at the gym. It is so loud that I believe most of the instructors there are already deaf, from their need to shout every time they open their mouth and for me to yell at the top of my lungs to converse with them. Oh but I still love my gym, right? Also my phone is too heavy to lug around the gym and it keeps falling out of the track pants. This entire haul set me back my 10000 rupees, obviously borrowed from dad, but I guess it is worth it. It actually makes me look forward to those lonely sessions at gym (now, I didn’t say boring) cause I am yet to make any friends over there. What a loser you must say, but I can’t help it, I am painfully shy. I was never like this; I used to be total extrovert before the college. I guess blame the residency for everything (wink, wink and smirk). Anyways I am uploading the pictures of my new shoes and my new iPod shuffle. Don’t worry I am not going to post an image of the track pants, am not THAT sad.

Total fan. They look so cool. Pretty pricey but totally worth it. Fit like a dream. Totally comfy. Never had pair like this.

It is so tiny! And I guess it weighs as much.

The iPod did come with those typical Apple headphones but they kept falling out of my ears on a slightest move. And they were white. So I bought these Panasonic bass boosting in your ear headphones. Not as good sounding as my old Samsung ones but pretty decent.

The goal of touching 75 kg by my 30th birthday is still on. I still have nearly 20 kg to lose. But before that, there are two weddings coming up in November and December. Both will be some sort of reunion, the December one will have more people turning up I guess. So yours truly, has a humble little wish, that is to razzle dazzle the weddings. I want to show people that this Fat isn’t forever. I can look good too. But before that let us hope that I clear my exam, because the social exile still continues till the results are out.

So I am back.....Alive......

Life's like a box of chocolates – you never know what you're gonna get.

That’s from the movie Forrest Gump. Well I guess I too have come along to take on life like that. So I am back. I did survive the exam time. But let me tell you it was a big disaster. That’s all I will write about it. It is too painful for me to describe and also I don’t want to relieve those harrowing times again. It is over and done with. Just hoping for the results to declare me as passed. It might be too optimistic to expect that but then I have faith in God, to address my prayers.

So that basically means I am at home with nothing to do all day. This is going to last till the result are out. Whatever the outcome, I will have to go job hunting based on my skills and presence or absence of the degree. I am not confident enough. This exam shook my foundations. I really can’t be bad as they made me out to be in the exam. Actually the prospects are quite scary. Finally I will be stepping out in the real world. And it is bad I tell you fellas. I had a slice of it, or rather a big fat chunk of it during the doomed residency. I suppose real life wouldn’t be easy either. Anyways

“Que sera sera…

Whatever will be, will be…

It is not for us to see……”



Till then I am lazing around at home but not relaxed at all. The doomed sword of the results still hangs over my head. But then I have decided to utilize the time to the fullest. I have already wasted 4 days since exams. Okay, not completely wasted. I cleared up my bedroom and got rid of all the junk. Donated some old clothes, those which I held on to for such a long time in a tiny little hope that one day I might fit into them. But now I realized those are not in style anymore. Thus there is no point in holding onto those slivers from the past when I was slim and healthy …blah blah blah. Reorganized my wardrobe and all my electronic gadgets. The entire bedroom looks pretty decent and inviting too. Wifey would have been so proud of me if she saw it. And I also plan to revamp the rest of the rooms (read helping mom to reorganize stuff which has been thrown in disarray post my exam and small renovations/repairs around the house) starting with the upper storey of the house. But there is a small glitch. This would involve sorting out my reading room which has most of my books scattered around in all sorts of fashion. I AM REPULSED BY THEM. DON’T WANT TO TOUCH THEM AGAIN. The mere sight of them lets the air out of this happy balloon that is floating in my head. And I really really dread touching them. I loathe the very thought of putting them back on the shelves. But it has to be done, no other way. Well, someday my dears, someday.

Now let us come down to one of the other goals of this blog, the Weight Loss. Well, the back to back schedule of the exams threw everything off the track. No exercise at all with the whole day spent sitting at my desk or snoozing in my comfy bed. Also there was complete disregard to what I put in my mouth. Every time my guilt hit me I pacified myself saying that this was all temporary. All that is done is done. Now the only way is ahead. Right? Yeah.

I started gym again today (two months of membership wasted, that is 2500 rupees, ouch!). Oh how much I missed my gym. I love it! This time I saw many guys and gals like me. Poor souls trying to undo what bad eating habits, poor metabolism and basically bad genes did to them. And yes, the usual gym junkies were there too, flaunting their toned bodies and flexing those massive muscles. I am not as fit as I was when I stopped going to it but am certainly am much better when I started it previously. That’s kind of a boost for my ego. All is not lost. Did a brisk walk on tread mill for 20 minutes and I hardly broke a sweat. I thought I could start running but then decided to hold back in order not to risk any injury. Spent next 15 minutes on the elliptical machine at mid levels and I seemed to be flying on it. Same story with the stationary cycle. The only place where I actually realized that I was lagging behind was when it came to abs exercises. Whoa man!!! I need to work on them. Slowly but surely, buddies I will land with a flat abdomen. Okay I might not get those coveted 6 packs or even a washboard abdomen, but certainly I reach a stage where my tummy won’t be visible through my regular clothes (wink wink). I have decided to go with cardio this whole week till I build up some stamina and get my lazy asthmatic lungs to expand. I plan to add muscle training from next week. All I know is that muscle training is equally important for a steady weight loss. I don’t intend to bulk up but certainly want to get toned up. I have also decided to take up dance. In the privacy of my bedroom, of course. What do ya expect? No way I would go shimmying about in public (which by that is one of my favorite moves, heehaw). I also plan to somehow integrate that previously mentioned ancient specimen of a treadmill that I have ensconced in my home.

When I began I weighed 105 kgs. I had touched down to 90 kgs before the exams. Right now am back at 94 kgs. 93.9 kg, to be precise, according to the scale at my gym. It is not much of a gain as I had dreaded. And I am sure I will get back down again. But the only problem is my eating habits. That is a story for some other day folks. It is so hard not to put anything delicious into your gob when you are totally bored at home.

And it is not just my body and health. I have decided to take care of other aspects of my looks. A couple of people happened to mention that I looked around 35 (no malice intended I guess) when I am not even 30 yet. I have to take to care of my face and hair (which seems to be falling out in clumps). I have been genetically blessed with a good skin, thus totally ignored. I don’t even scar easily. My hair, a different story altogether, it is low quality but very high maintenance. I might sound a bit poncy here but I don’t want to look older than my age!!! It is not about hiding my age (I have even few grays on the temples, and I don’t bother) but then who wants to look older than they actually are??? 35!!???!!! That is the limit.



Phew. I got so much to say, so much to write. And I promise I will. I will also write some sensible pieces rather than bleating about myself every time. Bye.

Some more

Still Alive.

Day 1

Okay. So I ran out of time. Exam begin tomorrow. And am a bundle of wretched nerves. In a state of total disarray. I am going crazy right now. If I survive this ordeal then will post in detail about what exactly transpired. Right now I do not have  the strength for it. I have decided that  I will not post during exams or rather about exams, sort of superstitious there. Will post everything once exams get over. Bye. Take care fellow people.

Day 2 (same old, same old)

Here we are standing on the threshold of the exams. And yet reading nothing. Why? you may ask. Well, it is because I JUST CAN'T STUDY. That is it. I feel that the hard drive of my tiny little brain is overloaded and is about to crash. And we don't really want that, do we? So here I am, with my misery full galore. Even wifey decided to use up her leave for the oncoming holidays and instead come home to support me or rather ensure that I run away from exam. How pathetic am I? So another day went by and I didn't touch the books. I find them revolting and I cant help it. Everyone around me is upset and stressed out because of me and that includes my in-laws. I really don't mean to hurt them all, but then I cant help it either. I tried so hard for so long but now somebody has to understand me. Nobody does that. God Please help me. Only you can get me out of this mess. I promise to be nice human being, but just for once I need to clear this exam. Sigh.....

Misery.....(updated)

I feel like a prisoner on a death row. slowly but surely waiting for the end to come. slow agonizing wait. but one day everything will be over.

PS :  I meant the exams would be over!!! me? nah, am not going anywhere. 

Day 3

The Bad state still continues. The more I try to brush it away, more the injustice done to me floats in front of my eyes. I was never a bad student. Always the straight A types. Then where the hell did I go wrong. I wasted today also. Didn't read a word. Now nothing left to be done except to pray to God. Only He can extricate me out of this misery. Don't feel like writing anymore. Goodbye.

Day 4 (horrible day)

Today was horrible. Too painful for me to write about it here. Something happened that really left me hurting and sad. Let us just say it was like a blast from the past. And one thing reminded of the other and suddenly the floodgates of misery and depression were opened. I slept for most of the day. Read only for one hour today. Ended up hurting everyone around me. Does that make me bad? Cause I am not a bad person. I really do care about people around me. But right now am in such a terrible place, that I just cant see beyond myself. Still that does not make me good. Am bad, very bad, I guess.

And yeah, looking at the state of things right now, my previous post Failure. An Inspiration?  sounds sort of redundant.

Failure. An Inspiration?

Every situation will throw up winners as well as losers. Defeat can be turned into a victory by a shift in the attitude. Those who lose, in a way, have a better chance to be successful. These people work harder and smarter the next time while the winners have the tendency to take it easier. It is sort of that fable, the hare and the tortoise. The people, who lose, as long as they keep their head on their shoulders and a positive spirit and don’t lose belief in themselves, can be winners as well.
The world is full of examples of people who were considered failures and then went on to become super successful. Or did not have the right start in life but persevered against whatever situation life threw at them, to overcome all the obstacles and become successful.








These people saw something special in themselves that helped them ignore the opinions of others about them and to remain self-confident. Loss can be unnerving and depressing if we lose faith in ourselves. If we remain focused on how others see us in our defeat, we will be stuck forever. If we start believing that others are laughing at us, pitying us or thinking any less about us because of our failure we need to ignore that and focus on ourselves instead.

The first step is the acceptance of the situation. I have mentioned this before in the words of Oprah Winfrey. And also we need to accept that we lost because we did lack something. There is no point in playing the blame game. We will end up hurting ourselves more. Focus on the mistakes, understand them and try to work on those areas. Improve ourselves. Channel our energies towards something more suitable to us. This may help us to shift onto something bigger and better.

Day 5

Huh. Just another sad day. Went off to sleep early and woke up early. Said my prayers, drank my coffee and then as usual went of to sleep. Finally started reading at around noon but that continued till 2 pm. Had a nap for two hours. Woke up and then sincerely studied till 6:30 pm when wifey dearest decided to give a sudden surprise visit. Tried reading despite of her being home, but couldn't. So gave up everything and ended up horsing around with darling daughter and wifey dearest. Had great time. It was as if the clouds of exam had lifted off and sunshine of happiness filled my world. But as they say, everything good has to come to an end. So wifey went off to sleep early, she was tired of travelling and having spent the last two nights sleepless in the Neonatal ICU monitoring and treating tiny little poor babies. I am so proud of her. She is a really great gal, and am really lucky to have her. And my little angel. The moment I look at her all my worries just melt away and before I realize I am grinning from ear to ear. Even my parents are absolutely crazy about her and dote on her. In fact she is closest to her grandma than anyone else. Oh, she is the cutest little girl in the world, of course she takes after her dad, yours truly, except for my eyes. She has her mother's eyes, big brown eyes with really long and beautifully curved lashes, touch wood ( though I wish she had green like mine). I think this the first time I am writing about my family in this much depth. Even my parents are great. In fact I am really lucky to have such a great family and should be thankful to God for it. I have really been blessed. I should quit focusing on what I don't have and be thankful and cherish for what I have. Being a surgeon, I have seen lots of people suffering terrible diseases, and believe me there is no better gift of God than a healthy body. I pray to God that am thankful for all the good things he has given me, and also to give me strength to tide over the current miseries in my life. Ameen.
Regarding the Fat Fighting Mission, as mentioned earlier, everything is on the back burner. Today brekkie and lunch were very much under control, but since wifey came home had a very delicious but heavy dinner whipped up by mom and a large bowl of  ice cream.  So there you go. And by the way, I have gained 4.5 Kg or for the american friends I am up by 9.9 that is almost 10 pounds. So the current weight is 94.5 Kg or 208.3 pounds. Back in the 200 from the magical 'onederland'. Sigh. But be positve. Everything will be fine. Aal is well, aal is well, aal is well...........

Day 6 (the day of the big blues)

Could not sleep whole night. Was too tired to sleep. When morning dawned, I decided to put on a brave front, guzzled gallons of coffee and decided to read. But that was an exercise in futility. By mid morning I fell asleep. Woke up after couple of hours, had lunch and sat down to read again. And that's where the big wave of depression swept in. It was mind numbing. Suddenly it seemed the sunshine had vanished from this earth. I just kept sitting there staring at my book hoping that something would happen. It’s such a debilitating feeling. So again I did what I do best. The ostrich. Went off to sleep again. Had a nap in bits and pieces. Still nothing changed on waking up. It was as if the walls were closing on me. It was so bad. I prayed and prayed. Finally in the evening it got too much to bear. Decided to chuck everything and went to D-mart with mom to get some groceries. And that’s when my aunt and uncle dropped in. Honestly initially I wasn’t that excited to see them. I actually loathed the thought of going back home and meeting them. But when I went home, my uncle sat me down as he wanted my consultation on his health. From what he told me, he too, I guess, is suffering from depression due to business related aspects. He was referred to a psychiatrist by his physician but didn’t keep up the appointment. When he described his symptoms, man it was like looking into the mirror and he too felt the same when I told him about my predicament. It felt so good. Meeting a person in flesh who is suffering the same as you are, is so different. Interacting and discussing with people about your problems anonymously on internet is no way close to it. I mean no offence to all those internet friends of mine, you guys are great, your help is way too immense. But this was sort of an exhilarating experience, a sort of catharsis for me. I feel much better. Actually lighter. It helped a lot to talk it out.

Coming back to reading, it’s all down the drain. No studies except for a bird’s eye view of the chapter of intestinal obstruction. That is it. And regarding eating, it’s still a tightrope balancing act. Bye folks.

Oh dear....

Less than 6 days! It is already mid-day of the 6th day before the exam. And suddenly I have developed this aversion to studying. No, it is not that I had some affinity for that, so as to say, but right now even the mere thought of studying makes me nauseous. I am feeling totally blue. I couldn't sleep whole night. And in morning too slept for only 2 and half hours. Damn all that coffee that I drink. Coming back to reading, am totally confused now what to do. A part of me says read everything while another part says that read only the previous questions asked. But I guess now, there is time for neither. And it is dilemma which is keeping me farther away from the books. Somewhere I feel that this is the second trial, who cares about me? Exam is just going to be a formality. But then knowing my department, it wouldn't be the case. I can't fail this time or I wouldn't be able to face the world. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I cant study. I cant. I just cant.

Oh by the way the nightmares are back. I am quite surprised that this time they took so long to come.I don't remember what I dreamt today but it must have been something bad because I didn't wake up feeling good. One more thing to deal with, when already my hands are full with so many things. 

Day 7 OMG!!!

Less than a week left and am still struggling with the reading. Haven'st still found my groove yet. Don't what is going to become of me. Seriously. 

And here we are........

So only 7 days left. Not even complete 7 days. It reminds of the last time when I had moved back to my college from my home or was rather forced to move. Only 7 days were remaining and so much was left to read. It is like I am staring into the past with a very vivid image right before my eyes. And it is scary. I don't know what am i going to do? Only 7 days left! Now there is no scope to postpone reading any topic. I have already messed up all that I could have. Anything more and it would be a suicide. Oh God, lets not use that word, it has been darting in and out of my mind since one week. but don't worry I won't do it or anything else stupid this time. I just want to pass, get my degree and get job. I don't care how low paying job I get but I just want to stand on my own feet and stop depending on  my dad. And I would prefer a teaching job. I love teaching students. Wish me all the best.

Day 8

The baby steps continue. Still stuck with topics started yesterday. The wall are closing on me it seems. Situations is getting tighter and tighter. Right now am staring at the repetition of last time. Those 7 days.

Day 9

A new beginning. A small step. A final fight to finish.

Day 10 (Screwed!!!)

Only 9 days remain now. Today was the usual. slept till 2 p.m. Am I sick or something, I just cant get out of the bed. Finally I dragged myself out of bed, still i didn't start reading till 5 p.m. How stupid can I be? I am really short of time now. I have got nothing prepared. Shit!!! Colossal shit!!! I am reading only important topics. And that is not how it is done. In fact I had read much more last time! And still I failed (for reasons right or wrong, I don't care at this moment). What am I going to do this time? It is bad, really bad. Now things have gone past repair. It is not even do or die. Not enough time for 'do'. Why am I such an ass. I ruined all the chances I got. And my weight watching has gone for a toss. I really don't bother about that right now. Everything else in on the back burner till this exam charade gets over. I need strength.

Sorry for such brief and whiny posts. Can't help it till exams. Promise I will do better irrespective of the outcome.

Day 11 (a day almost wasted)

Slept from 11 p.m. previous night till 2 p.m. today afternoon. Suddenly at 5 p.m. it hit me that I should be studying or it will be too late to salvage anything. But that continued till 9 p.m. when I got derailed again. And nothing since. Please God help me. I don't want to fail this time. And I don't know but I have developed this inherent hatred for studies. I just can't do it but I will have to because there is no way out. Only a miracle can save my sorry self. 

Day 12 (misery continues)

Sorry for being late on the update. Well, there is nothing to update. Totally wasted. I am ashamed of myself.

Day 13 (the end, or well almost the end)

I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,
When he beats his bars and would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings –
I know why the caged bird sings


A Nice Poem I came across. ( hint : title of a very famous autobiography)


So now only 12 days left!!! My nerves are prepping themselves up for a state of madness, the exam frenzy. That severe stress, days rushing by, life being a general blur, not knowing day from night, high on adrenaline and of course caffeine, that is what exam time is all about for me. But this time it will be different. Not in the above mentioned way, but no more getting depressed that I don’t know anything. Actually now I do realize that I have read and I do have knowledge and all I have to do is to brush up everything. Though now I have gone from three days per chapter of GIT to three chapters in one day. But what the heck, I will pull through. God is with me. They can’t beat me down. I almost finished reading Anal canal and it’s still 10 p.m. So I do have time yet for finishing a couple of more topics and a rapid revision thrown in.


Food wise, whoa! Situation under control. 5 small wheat pancakes with honey and cup of milk for breakfast, 5 rotis and potato and shrimp gravy. And for dinner I had two bowls of chicken noodle soup and one table spoon of vanilla ice cream. That’s all I had in whole day with few cups of coffee here and there. At least that part of my life is under control. I wish other things too followed the suit.


Today had sort of a blast from the past. I had a chat with a classmate turned senior turned consultant of mine. I had decided never to talk to him again. Last time he called I was colder than the ice. But this time I thawed a wee bit. Poor chap is not in good frame of things right now. No job security, actually no job at present, personal life gone awry and rest everything also not hunky dory exactly. Now, before you start to think that what a jerk I am gloating at someone else’s misery, let me tell you that it is not true. This guy used to be my friend till he went and stabbed me in my back. Yeah, he is partly responsible for the mess that I am in today, and no one knows this better than him, he knows he is guilty. My point is that, there is a philosophy I strongly believe in; whatever goes around comes around. You do pay for your deeds. May be sooner may be later. But right here. In one way or the other. So will the rest of them all. Now I am not saying that I am a saint. I am not. And maybe I too am paying for my misdeeds, which I might have done knowingly or unknowingly. So it’s like “everybody pays” just like everybody lies from House M.D.





He also told me about a few of my classmates buying their own homes and cars and stuff. Now he wasn’t rubbing that in my nose or something, or maybe he was. Either way I don’t give a furry little rat’s ass. Sorry for the profanity. Hey, it is their life and good for them. Why should I bother? I haven’t talked to them in ages. And they too wouldn’t care if I was alive or dead. Anyways coming to the point, I haven’t given up on myself. One day I will go far ahead, far ahead, where a hero’s welcome would be waiting for me. That’s a bit drama queen, yeah. I know I am honest and intelligent (I used to be, and I will turn tables this time around) but not so hardworking and that I need to change asap. Had enough. Soon it will be time to play by my rules, God willing. I will turn on a new leaf. I just can’t wait for this exam charade to get over. I have so much to do. and so much to write, in a proper sensible way about better things rather than whining about the pitiable state my life is in right now. Goodnight folks………

Day 13 ( the beginning)

Very unusual of me to post at the beginning of the day. I agree. Okay, so yesterday I slept early, (now I know that 2 a.m. is not early, but believe me sweeties, considering the past few days, it is.) and today I woke up early 7 a.m. to be precise. Had my breakfast and then sat down to study. And then, at present that is, am totally sleepy. Everything appears blurred, my head is heavy and spinning and nothing is getting registered in my mind it seems. But I have to practice doing this because the exams this time are in the morning at 10 a.m. and  I will have to leave at least by 7.30 a.m. So in fact I will have to practice getting up even earlier. And yeah I forgot to wear my glasses, so that explains the blur.Yawn. I think I will catch some sleep.

P.S.

Overheard today.
" The first step towards fixing up your life is to accept the truth about the mess in your life"
Oprah Winfrey.

Day 14 (some improvement)

Not even a fortnight left now!!! I squandered more than half of the day sleeping or loitering around. Still I managed to read Spleen and Appendix, in bits and pieces or rather somewhat large chunks, though not as it is supposed to be. But then I did begin somewhere. And it is a good sign. Sort of. Anyways now its only 13 days left. So it just comes down to the same old technique. Reading only the questions asked in the last few years or rather in the entire history of my department, which is exactly a decade this year. So now its 6 days left for GIT and from it I have roughly finished Stomach, Esophagus, Appendix, Spleen, Hernias and Pancreas. Roughly, pay attention to that. Still I have  another half of the GIT remaining. Now I am confused. Should I randomly go reading topics as they appear in the ol' papers? Or sort out the questions according to the chapters and then read the question chapter wise? (the latter is more time consuming) So basically I am the cross roads. I guess, let tomorrow decide. And all those detailed things I can prepare before practicals. Last time too, I had exactly 9 days before my practical exam, but I thoroughly wasted the first 5 days. This time I am hoping not to repeat the mistakes I made last time.

Food wise, it was a sensible day according to the nature of the foods that I ate, but not according to portion of each meal. Now I need to work on reducing my potions.
Also I need to cut back on my caffeine. Normally I don't touch tea or coffee or colas or any other form of caffeine. But come exams, and I guzzle down coffee like a camel drinks water. I need to reduce my coffee intake. Normally during the rest of the year I cant fall asleep easily, but during exam time I feel so sleepy, I can doze off at the drop of a hat! I feel lethargic and tired and have such wonderful dreams. I actually spin stories in my dreams, i have full control of what is going on in my dreams. It is such a beautiful feeling. Rest of the year, I keep having nightmares.
Coming back to the fat fighting, I can feel or rather now see in the mirror that my tummy has started to bulge out again, specially the tires just below my waist, the love handles i guess and they are just so prominent, they give me an unmanly appearance;I kinda appear curvy! That is disgusting, I just hate to see myself in the mirror. I can still fit into my old pair of jeans though which are of the waist 36( I tried them out today) and that's some good news that things have not gone as bad as they were before, since I have stopped working out due to the exam charade. It is sort of a silver lining among the clouds of gloom.

DHOOM.............

On a lighter note, just found out that the teaser for this movie is released. Am eagerly awaiting for this one. Stars two of my fav actors Aamir and Kat. Bring it on this December....

Day 15 (and it still continues...)

A one whole day of no reading. I am doomed. That is it. I have got nothing more to say. It is the last time all over again. I just don't know how will I face everyone. I can't write anything more tonight, just don't feel like doing it.

And we cross 2K

2,000 hits!!!! Unbelievable, that my bumbling and fumbling fledgeling of a blog has received over 2000 visitors. Thank you everyone for the wonderful support. Keep it going on. I need it.
Lots of love
Wounded Tiger.........

Day 16 (what the hell am I doing???)

A total goner. Absolutely did nothing whole day except watching TV. Diet wise things under control.

Change of plans. I am finally abandoning the schedule I put up previously. Things have spiraled out of control. Back to the old modus operandi. I am going to prepare only the old questions from the previous years papers. God willing if I have extra time, I will throw a random glance at the remaining stuff. Thats it. And I also might give up on reading for the practical stuff. I am cornered. It is now Flight or Fight time.

Total 15 days left.
8 days for the Gastro-intestinal system
1 day for Thyroid
1 day for Breast
1 day for Vascular surgery
1 day to revise Genito-urinary system
3 days for the General Surgery.

That is it.
Last Attack.

Meandering thoughts @ 4 a.m. (II)

Some body please come around and give a nice kick on my rear. I really deserve that. It is almost 5 in the morning and am still awake whiling away my time on internet. Also I had promised myself not to log in to my Facebook account till the exams get over. The reason? All those happy and lucky people who have been successful posting status updates and pictures, really gets my goat. I mean I am not jealous of anyone. But I just get upset at the miserable state of my life. Otherwise on personal aspect everything is fine, God's mercy. Got really great parents, awesome wife and the cutest kid, what more does one ask for? I agree that half of the misery is brought upon me by myself. Still, specially the news about other people marching ahead in professional life just throws me off the track. I should be studying and not wasting my time on such trivial matters. But I just cant seem to get things right. Life is all too messed up. I need to break out. I hate everything. I hope to get some sleep before I get back to reading. And yes, I will stay away from Facebook, it just messes up my mind. I hate that. Oh God, I need HELP!!!!

Day 17 ( a strong sense of Deja vu, again!?!)

Another day is over.

Oops I did it again! I played with the time and got lost in the game! oh baby baby.....
Thats what Britney Spears crooned ages ago. And that's what exactly I am doing right now with my studies. Today woke up at 11 in morning despite multiple alarms. 11 a.m.!! Can you believe it? Struggled whole day with anger, despair and fear. Managed to finish most the topics from the chapter of Stomach. But on opening Maingot, I was in for a shock. There is still so much left to read. The days are flying past rapidly and the schedule is getting tighter and tighter. Its only 16 days left. It's last time all over again. Last time I had reading vacation of 16 days which I totally squandered. Things aren't much different this time again. May be this time I won't be starting on blank canvas, but again, it has been a long time, and don't remember much of the stuff that I read last time. And yeah, last time out of those 16 days, I read significantly only in the last 7 days, after I was forced to move back to college. Come to think of it, it was all conspiracy against me by a so-called friend/ esteemed consultant. Anyways, I will work my ass off really hard this time.

Food wise a day well spent. Obviously I missed breakfast. For lunch I had 2 plateful of lentil-yogurt soup. Two cookies and very small cup of  vanilla ice cream (80 ml to be precise) in the evening followed by 3 rotis and tuna in tomato sauce. And yeah, throw in couple of bread sticks here and there plus 3 cups of black coffee. Am getting good at least at this. Gotta go. As Robert Frost has famously said,

THE WOODS ARE LOVELY DARK AND DEEP
BUT I HAVE PROMISES TO KEEP
AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP
AND MILES TO GO BEFORE I SLEEP.

Definitely its a long way ahead......

Day 18 (totally down the drain)

A bad day. Bad bad day. Really bad bad bad day. In every way. A very messed up Monday. Why do I hate Mondays even though right now for me all the weeks of the day are just the same, may be its the scars from the past that refuse to heal. So basically NO studying at all. Nothing. Zero. I slept till 3 in the afternoon. Started to read Burns, all I could manage to read was a measly one page. Rest of the time I just wasted on doing insignificant things or playing with my daughter. That is it. Totally screwed up. And after whole day of eating very minimal, I gorged on food in the evening. All in one day what  I ate- A cup of milk, 4 rotis, 3 eggs (two boiled and one omelet), a tub of roasted puffed rice, two plateful of shrimp fried rice, 2 packets of Maggi  noodles and finally 3 bowls of ice cream. I am again showing those dangerous signs again. Running away from reality and turning to food for comfort. Its not good, neither for my career or for my health and all this weight busting saga. I am lost all again. I just cant go on like this. Only 17 days left for the exam, its just like last time all over again. I can sense the subtle signs of depression setting in. O God, I don't want to repeat same mistakes all over again! 

Just like that......

Just a random post. Nothing specific.....dropped in to say hi to all of you.

To all those people reading this blog, thank you all so much. 

To everyone from USA and Cananda a big hello and a bigger thank you.

To everyone from my homeland, India, namaste aur shukriya.

To all those lovely people in France, bonjour et un très grand merci.

To the friends from up north, Russia, привет и очень большое спасибо.

To people from beautiful Malasiya, khabar dan yang sangat besar terima kasih.

To the South Koreans, 큰 인사와 큰 당신을 감사하십시오.

To everyone in Germany, ein großes Hallo und ein herzliches Dankeschön.

To people from Serbia (am surprised!), Поздрав и хвала.

To people from Denmark, Hallo en bedankt.

To the people from down south, Venezuela and Uruguay, Hola y gracias.......

now before you think I am a polyglot, this is a miracle called Google Translate.........

Day 19 (Getting there, slowly but surely)

So the Sunday is over. Now only two Sundays left before exam. Whoa! That’s getting a wee bit scary now. Not even three weeks left. The monstrosity called EXAMS is approaching closer as each day passes by. I can see the dark clouds on the horizon, and the winds of time are blowing in my direction. Soon I will be staring exams right into the eyes. And that’s freaking me out now. I never had this bad case of exam phobia. It would be easy to blame it on the residency. Because, prior to this, I never had the fear of unknown. But now that fear is totally debilitating and incapacitating. It’s like my handicap. I need to be strong. Just like from the movie Rocky, no fear no fear no fear no fear…………

Got a little off track there, didn’t I? So coming down to how the day went, well again, I woke up late. Nothing unusual about it. But then I gained momentum as the day passed. Somehow I managed to finish the chapter of Esophagus, only from Bailey and Love albeit. I had planned to read the operative part from Maingot. But the day is over now and I am sleepy now (I don’t wanna resort to caffeine to stimulate my brain cuz then I will be bouncing off the walls till early morning). And honestly I napped for almost two hours in the afternoon and post dinner I went down to the supermarket and stationary shop to run some errands and have whiled away time since then. From the practical schedule I finished reading Dyphagia. I realized that Hematemesis is in the next chapter that is due tomorrow, Stomach. So instead I read a topic from endoscopy. But my biggest misery, that I am not at all confident of what I have read, and I don’t remember a word I read and wont recall anything in exam, continues to plague me. Now I am really bad at rote learning. Mugging is not my cup of tea. Oh no, my brain doesn’t work that way. I have to first grasp things and make mental images. That’s the how wheels move in my head. So I have decided to revise Esophagus along with entire GUT along the way, in bits and pieces, as the circumstances permit.

Today I was really a good boy when it came to eating. For breakfast I had a bowl of muesli. Lunch consisted of spiced chickpeas and at dinnertime, I had chicken noodle soup. But then I had go and ruin everything at the end of the day by having a big slice of black forest cake (which was bad anyways) and 200ml of grape juice ( with sugar added in it, saw it later, they didn’t have my usual brand). Damn. Why the hell do they have that stationary and cake shop side by side? It’s not my fault. The reason am so agitated at myself right now is that the cake wasn’t even good. Not like that red velvet cake I mentioned before. Ummmmm …..Now that was a really great cake. That classic mouthwatering moment this is.

Something really funny happened with me in afternoon.  I was getting doozy from all the brain wrecking with Esophageal Motility Disorders, so I started playing music on my phone. Half way through the song, Bridge of light I suddenly felt the urge to cry. Sort of everything that happened in last 4 and half years just flashed before my eyes. All the injustices, all the torture, all the insults came running to me as it was all yesterday. I felt a lump in my throat. But as usual, I couldn’t just let it out. Was unable to blow the lid off to provide a vent to my emotions. So instead of crying it out, I decided to pray. And I actually did feel much better after prayers. Though I had some pretty weird dreams involving my department after that when I went off to sleep but still I woke up fresh.

So I decided. Enough is enough. And this fight that I am fighting, it’s just not for me alone. It’s also a fight for my parents, my wife, my kid and all those people who believe in me. All those people who put up for me. I can’t let these people down this time again. I WILL GET IN THERE AND I WILL GET IT GOOD.

So just in order to constantly remind me of the tasks ahead and to keep myself on track, I decided to take help from two small objects. First is a very old ring that belongs to my late grandfather whom I used to call dada. It’s a silver ring with I don’t know which stone set in it, in fact even the setting has come off a bit loose. The dirty green stone is all wobbly in the silver right. In fact this ring is so old that I don’t remember dada wearing it ever in my whole life. I had accidentally come across it when we were sorting out his stuff after he passed away. I kept it with me as his memory even though it was way loose on all my fingers back then, I was not this fat always!!!  The second is that yellow rubber band with “LIVESTRONG” etched on it which I guess needs no introduction. Had bought it during my boho days in college when it was fashionable to sport ‘em. I actually do have them in other colors but I guess yellow is the color of cheerfulness (that’s why the smiley is yellow, isn’t it?). So right now I am donning these two things as a constant reminder to get my act straight this time and not screw up.

Day 20 (A day totally wasted)

Another day but the same ol’ story. Crappy story. I couldn't fall asleep whole night, was awake till morning. After breakfast, one big fat attack of rhinitis. Slept till evening after ODing on antihistaminics ( I really must do something about these allergies, it’s spiraling out of control, my whole life is being impeded by it). Despite lagging behind on the schedule, I whiled away whole evening doing nothing productive ( adding post-its on the first page of each chapter, scribbled with questions asked from the previous exams, when I already have a ready question bank, doesn't count to be fruitful exactly). So here I am back to where I started. Now it is time to say bye-bye to the urinary system as from tomorrow I have to start on the gastro-intestinal system according to the schedule.

Today, after being holed up inside my house for exactly four months (27^th April was that black day, gadget, a really black day) I finally missed being out there in the midst of all the action. I mean I always wanted a long break, it had been nearly decade and half of the vicious cycle of studying and exams and I was sick and tired, physically and mentally. But now I really miss seeing the patients, diagnosing their conditions and treating them, operating them. Who would have thought of it? I just want to get back into the thick of the things as soon as I can. Hey, that’s exactly what I wanted to do all these years. That’s what I slaved my ass off, sacrificed so many things. Now, am not getting onto my high horse and screaming my lungs out that we, doctors are the noblest creatures and we sacrifice so many personal things for the sake of the society. But it’s a fact, yeah. Agreed, there are some, may be many, black sheep who bring bad name to medical community, but overall, becoming a doctor does entail letting go of many things in life. There can be no denying in that.

Anyways coming back to my train-wrecked life, it’s dangerously close to getting derailed again. I have to pull up my act.  There were people who wrote me off time and again, some people who didn't even know me personally, and every time I bounced back, just like a phoenix. These people, what have I done to deserve such harsh words from you guys. Some of you have even never met me! Can’t they just watch that movie Bambi and learn that “if you can’t say something nice to someone then just b quiet”. It might be difficult for you if I had screwed up your life, but in case you even don’t know me, how hard is that? And for all the people who know me, well then you haven't seen the last of me.....-.

Now about watching what I eat, today I ate sensibly, in fact perfectly within the limits. Actually its 2 a.m. now and am hungry! But all I will do is to gulp down chilled water and have few almonds. No exercise. That’s anyways out of question now till the exams get over. So take care and have a great weekend everyone. Live life.

Here’s just a song, today I came across while watching TV (I know, me watching TV???) from a show called Glee, sung by a character in some sort of audition/contest. Honestly the first time I heard about the show when its lead star Cory Monteith died (and the show was already 4 seasons old; the hermit me!) and thought it must be just another fluffy song and dance show.  Hey but recently I have seen couple of episodes and I actually did like the singing part. So enjoy this little pep number. I have absolutely no idea who performed this originally and right now I have no time and inclination to find out.

Tomorrow is another day friends. Just as Grizabella in CATS sings 

Daylight

I must wait for the sunrise

I must think of a new life

And I musn't give in

When the dawn comes

Tonight will be a memory too

And a new day will begin..................

P.S. to previous post

Regarding the previous post , I promise that once the exams get over I will give serious thought to improving the quality of my writing and not just type out whatever that comes to my mind at that very moment. Actually someone did tell me my writing is good (though this was before I started this blog, and I have never written anything substantial recently which that kind soul would have read) so I hope to improve over this jack-ass crap I spew on my blog.

And I also forgot to mention about weight loss thingy. As usual, no exercise. I was planning to do at least  push-ups and abdominal crunches at home but then the lazy bum that is me, couldn't be arsed into getting down on the floor to exercise; too much effort. My eating on the other hand just doesn't seem to slow down, my appetite is as voracious as it can ever get. I have been stuffing myself whole day in a fashion of an elephant. That's all folks.....

Day 21 (3 weeks to go)

Another day gone and now only 20 days left for the theory exams. I spent the whole day reading, well, most of it. Honestly. Finished reading Urinary Bladder, Urethra and Penis from the theory section and the urinary symptoms from the practical part. But then retaining what I read in my already overloaded and burnt out brain is on shaky grounds. Not too confident of what I read. The reason is that I also solved the mcqs of the corresponding chapters from AA. I realized where I stand in these waters; not in the shallow pools but stuck in the deep murky ends. Just 20 days left! The panic is slowly creeping back in. I could sense it especially in the evening when I was alone at home. This actually happened two or three times today. Those all familiar sense of doom, helplessness and heaviness are beginning to make their not so welcome visits again. And I fought them off by stuffing myself with food. I don’t know what came over me. I am again using food as a weapon to fight stress. I know I end up getting all heavy and totally bent out of shape. This is all going against the goals I have set for myself.  

By the way I have set a new goal, to touch 80 kg by the end of the December first week, that’s when my roomie from Grad College is getting married. It’s going to be a reunion of sorts. Mostly everyone is going to be free by that time of year and may attend. I just want to razzle dazzle everyone in that wedding. I have had enough of people cracking fat jokes at me or being all sympathetic at all the health problems that I have due to excess weight. I just want to make them hang their jaws in surprise when they see me, well a kind of good surprise, not shock.  I will have exactly 2 months after exams get over. I am also planning to join swimming later. I know it’s going to be pretty cold by then (not good for my entire airway) and I always tan very badly and I don’t want to look bad at the wedding. So that’s still not decided. But I am going to diet like crazy and exercise like a maniac if I have to. Some dedication!!!

That’s enough of rambling for the day. At times I feel that my writing is very trivial, commonplace and boring. It should be more funny more witty, that I should spice it up. But then I realize that this is a straightforward blog about getting my life back on track, fumbling and bumbling along the way. Yeah it should be funny and light-hearted but right now with the gloomy clouds of exams looming on the horizon, I actually don’t have time and stamina to make my writing more interesting. So you will have to bear with straightforward writing right from my heart or my mind or whatever….

So with the studies part the train is slowly pulling out of the station, gearing up to speed down towards the destination and not be a runaway train that it usually ends up being. Weight loss on the other hand, is totally tossed out of the window of that moving train. The third thing, which I have often sidelined is praying. I need to pray more regularly and sincerely. Religion actually does offer you a grounding force. It keeps you clear headed and alleviates all anxiety and panic. It always makes you feel fresh. It makes you a better human being at the end of the day. I will have to be very regular with that. Yes, I am a religious person, but not superstitious, I go by The Book. It’s a part of who I am. But I am not some fanatic either. So I better get that train on track too.

Anyways, today am feeling quite sleepy despite having napped for 2 hours in the afternoon. So am signing off. Take care and to all those in USA have a great labor day weekend.........

A new day has come....

Taking a short break from reading. Everything is going on good, not great, but am slowly getting back into the groove. That's good right?  Will post more details later tonight. Was going through my song collection on my lappie and came across this one. It's one of the classics ever, performed by irreplaceable Elaine Page from CATS. Nothing inspirational about it, but there was a time,I felt exactly same like that character, isolated, alone and mocked at by people at my department . I have somewhat moved away from all that but that stanza about new day coming on, it always rings a positive bell. The video quality is ain't that great, but sorry am short of time right now........

Day 22 ( a baby step towards success)

Hellooo….So one more day gone. As I have mentioned in the previous post Roooooaaaaaarrrrrr I started reading around 2 p.m. but the reading wasn’t consistent. My focus on the book waxed and waned all day long. But still, somehow I managed to finish the chapter of prostate from Bailey & Love and Smith’s. Plus I finished the MCQs from AA. All in all, quite fair. Though am still not confident enough of what I have read. Again, that’s the usual story of my life; I am never confident till the results arrive. I think I shall give entire thing another read just to make sure. I might have to stretch way into the night. I am already feeling sleepy and it is quite hot today. Finally the monsoon has receded; I don’t think there are going to be anymore showers. I love rains. Most of the people I know hate ‘em, I find something magical in rains. I always kinda feel sad when rains stop. I can get all poetic and wax lyrical but anyways coming back to topic, I will push myself to finish today’s allocation. One more thing, I actually DID reschedule. Please don’t judge me; it’s not the part of procrastination but more of a practically sensible thing to do. And I promise that this time I will stick to the new timetable. I swear.  So here is the new schedule. It’s basically the ole one with some tweaking and trimming.

Sorry for the poor picture quality. I was in a bit of a hurry and didn't have time to edit them either. But I guess they are pretty legible.....

Regarding the eating shenanigans, let’s not get there today. Ok, today I behaved better than yesterday, but nothing that I should be proud of. So signing off, take care everyone. And I said earlier in the day ROAR......

ROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!

Hello everybody. Dropping in to say a quick hi. Well, today too began just like any other shitty day, but by noon I realized that I have to pull up my act. And so right now, am reading Prostate according to the schedule and actually enjoying it, specially when I relate everything clinically. Oh I just can't wait to wrap up all this, land a job and get back in the grind. Here is a song which echoes somewhat similar sentiments, its Roar by Katy Perry. Have fun and keep rocking people......ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRR.............
Thanks +Akshita Gautam for this one.....

Day 23 (all smoke, no fire)

All smoke and no fire. 

That tall talk yesterday, down the drain today. I will never learn, will I? Ever? 

Arrrrrgh…….as usual. Day one gone and I didn’t study at all. No it wasn’t the fault of any crappy mood or loss of passion. But being attacked by one big fat nasal allergy. Missed my alarm and woke up at 8 a.m. still thought that the things weren’t out of control had a bowl of muesli for brekkie. And from there everything went downhill. So long story short, I didn’t touch the books, went overboard with lunch and dinner (right now am literally feeling bloated and fat around my midsection, I can sort of feel all that lard) pissed off mom by not running some errands I promised her and of course by not studying, and wifey is annoyed too, well cuz I didn’t read.

The whole day, either I slept or even in those few waking hours I was seriously drowsy with all those antihistaminic I had downed. So no reading at all. Kidney just got struck off the list. I had this brilliant idea of redoing the schedule, but I found it too laborious to go through the entire exercise again. And also the purpose of posting the pictures of in on the blog was to deter myself from cheating. Well at least that purpose is served. So the poor kidney and symptoms of urinary system will have to wait till I squeeze them somewhere down the road. Before the exams off course.

Regarding this dieting palaver, honestly I don’t feel like writing about it. I ate way too much today. 1 bowl muesli, 8 medium sized rotis with 3 bowls of paneer masala, 1 cup popcorn, 5 papads, half tandoori chicken and 5 pieces of chicken tikka. That’s disgusting, I know. What am I, a whale?

So, day one down, I have got 22 days left. Right now am planning to arrange all the books, which post-exam, have been lying scattered all over the house and my car and also to get the entire study room and my bedroom in order. Then I figure I would have a nice hot bath, drink milk (just for the kicks) and go to sleep. Tomorrow is another day…..See you tomorrow.....

And the countdown begins.....

The practical is over!!! This makes me happy and sad. Actually more of a panic stricken than sad. The exam went ok. Now if they had to ask me steps of a some very hi-fi surgery which I won’t perform for at least next 5 years, then obviously I wouldn’t know the answer. Rest of the exam seemed more like a formality. All in all not bad, especially with the preparation I had put in. So that hurdle is crossed for now. Nothing stands between me and university exams now. And that’s where the panic, terror, fright creep in. Only 23 days left. How on this earth am I supposed to finish reading entire Surgery in that span of time. It’s time to gear up. Pick myself up, dust myself up and put myself back in the saddle. The war is on baby. No time for excuses, and none for my erratic moods either. Everything else will be placed on the back burner. And that includes the Fat Fighting and Lard Busting.  

Oh yeah that; I think or rather, now I feel that all that lard that I had busted off my body is slowly creeping back on to me when I am not watching (and that would be most of the time, at present). It’s so hard to resist the urge to stuff your face when you are bored or stressed out or just plain tired from whacking your brains out after studying. My mouth needs to move constantly while I study, sort of a big fat buffalo chewing cud. That’s a real pathetic comparison I must say. Just this evening drove mom down to D-mart for monthly grocery shopping. And I had to try real hard not to give into all those sugary, fatty delicious calories. Seriously. All I got myself was a packet of crackers, 6 maggi noodles (strictly for emergencies) and 2 packets instant soups. Instant soups, I know, are the henchmen of the bad foods, with all the sodium and other chemicals and shit. Still, the packet claimed to be the healthy thingy. Again, healthy my arse. But hey they are strictly for those midnight hunger pangs when I would be reading days and nights on an end (and yours truly sighs wistfully at the mention of this). That’s it. I didn’t add anything else that was edible to the shopping cart. See I can be a good boy. And for dinner today I had only boiled chickpeas with tamarind sauce, two servings (showing a little honesty).

So that’s it. From tomorrow it’s going to be only studies, studies and only studies along with being mindful of what and how much I stuff my gob with.

Here are  the pictures of the alleged timetable, an

umpteenth number in the last few months. But I wish and pray with all my heart that it’s the last one. Wish me luck. I hope I stick to it.

OCDs, ADDs and reflux......

It's almost 1 a.m. already, and I have got practical exams tomorrow. Oops! It's already today. Too tired right now to post anything sensible. Spent whole day trying to make myself read, and was successful up to some extent. Finished reading Hernias but then realized that the current edition of the book has chopped off a lot of stuff; so will have to read from other books too. So the target for today is over, but not satisfactorily.

Tomorrow is the practical exam day. My bad again, today is the day. Am quite drowsy right now. The effects of the last cup of coffee seems to be wearing of now. Well, I got news that there are no good cases in the ward currently for me to present in exam. Hope that situation doesn't change till afternoon. If that happens the exam wont be a big deal. But then again, knowing my luck in such situations and my professors they might admit something bad for me to present. I am praying that no such thing happens. Actually am prepared for the worst come worst scenario. But then shouldn't we let the sleeping dogs lie?

Anyways I have made a last attempt of making a reading schedule for the exams. I am not sure whether I will be able to finish everything on it. The goal is just to stick to it everyday. My problem is that "all or none law". Either I do it with my 100% or I chuck it all away.

That is not the key to success. It's more like that story of the hare and the tortoise. Slow and Steady wins the race. And I am desperate to win this one.

Coming back to that schedule, I will post a picture of it tomorrow for you to see. My phone and PC aren't compatible and I have to go via my laptop to upload pics. Right now, I find it a bit of hassle while simultaneously battling drowsiness and acid re-flux. Oh yeah re-flux, more on that later.

Inspiring............

Never lose hope. One day I will succeed. And all those people who wrote me off will be spectators of my victory parade........

First 1000 hits!!!!

And now we have a 1000 hits!!!! thank you everyone out there for tolerating my nonsensical ramblings.....love you guys.....

The Weekend......

I have got preliminary practical exam on Tuesday. And the usual sob story; haven’t read anything worthwhile till now. Why the hell do I keep on doing this? Actually I was so tired from all the driving yesterday that I slept for 14 hours straight today. I had to rush between my college town and home city because I had forgotten some documents. Finally, I filled the form yesterday morning after much running around. These people, who sit behind those office desks, I agree that you have one of the most boring and thankless jobs but do you really have to make other people miserable? I mean how difficult it would be to fill a simple form in order to appear for some university exam? Let’s start with the application form itself. It has so many boxes to fill and most of it is usually crap. For example, what the hell my religion, my cast and what my dad earns have got to do with me appearing for the exam? It just flabbergasts me. Thrice I have to enter the exam fees amount, five times the particulars for the exam that I am appearing. And the entire history of my past exam appearances and performances, right from my 12^th grade through each year of the medical school up till now. Hello, that was more than a decade ago! At the end there are some stupid declarations that one has to sign, about not being holed up in some other institute for further studies. Now who would accept me on the basis of my failed exam? I guess these all are the archaic remnants since the time of the Raj. Then, this document is missing and that one is not attested. Finally when it came to paying fees, a whopping Rs 12100/- for the exam (looting in bright day light, I must say) they have to have different receipt books for same exam!!! They spent half hour looking for the damned book.

After I filled my form finally, I went to my department for a courtesy call. I met my unit head, and a polite formal conversation about my exams and stuff. This time he wasn't that cold, but not warm enough as I had known him to be. Regarding the other two professors including the head, both conversations were one liners. And knowing me, not being those hang around kinds I immediately scooted out from there. So I have exam on Tuesday afternoon. Wish me all the best. While I was waiting for the professors to get free, one of my juniors mentiond that I had lost weight and my tummy had disappeared. It really feels good when someone actually says that especially when you haven’t done anything about weight loss since last fortnight.

That brings us to the fat fighting fiasco. Now, I had stopped going to the gym since the end of Ramadan due to oncoming exams. But even still I was watching out whatever I put into my mouth. I tried real hard not to stuff myself with crap and watched carefully the portions of the healthy food.  During exams I had gone overboard with coffee and bread sticks. But guess what? I actually have lost weight. Finally down to 91 kg at my home scale. Total of 14 kg lost. Touched the 200 pound mark. That is some great news. I had decided to hit the gym after the exams with vengeance to document my eating habits meticulously. And to blog about the three important things in my life right now, exercise dieting and studying. Just to keep me on track.

But the new exam dates fizzled out everything. I got all blue and disheartened and I realized I have no time left to attend gym regularly. And I went into over drive, or rather my mouth did. On Friday I had 4 slices of medium Mexican chicken cheese burst pizza, 2 chicken sausage roll and one 1 chicken taco for dinner and finished it off with one serving of chocolate lava cake all a takeout from Dominoe's. Mum was not well so had to settle for a takeout. On Saturday, for breakfast I had stack of wholegrain pancakes with honey. For lunch we drove out to one of the wifey's favorite restaurant, one with a jungle theme. I had a bowl of soup, 6 pieces of kebabs and two tandoori rotis with gravy, polished off with a glass of buttermilk.  Dessert included one serving of red velvet cake (the cake was awesome; it literally melted in my mouth) from the in house bakery. For dinner I had two packets of maggi noodles with two more slices of that damned cake.The cake, I must tell you was so darn good. I have never had anything like this my whole life, so got two slices packed for the way home. So much for my self control. Thus I woke up on Sunday morning, feeling all bloated and tired and disgusted and fat. Naturally. You all must think what a glutton I am. I agree, even I am feeling bad for myself. So today I had soups for both lunch and dinner. Atleast somewhere I had to start again.