Yay......I have a JOB now!!!!

Hello everyone out there......It has been a long time since I wrote anything.........

Post results, I did nothing but chilled out, finally, after all these years of working my ass off. Finally I got my lazy ass of the couch and went job hunting. Landed a job, not a designation that was planned, and salary definitely way below the expectations, but the duty hours are pretty less. Also I get to have some sort of independence with my work So I guess it is OK . I also can freelance if I want to. So may be it isn't that bad after all.

Just one more thing. The feeling of finally being free, settled in actually after I joined this new job. That feeling of uselessness is finally dissipating and being replaced by a premonition that finally things are looking up for me........Rest everything as usual. Will catch up with you guys soon.....

So, What is next?

So here we are. One issue down. Well the purpose of starting this blog was to document the total mess my life was in and my faltering steps to get everything up and running back. I passed THE EXAM finally. So apparently all I am left with is the Weight Loss shenanigans. Honestly I just don’t feel anything at present. Yeah, I did mention in the previous post that I was having emotions just like the vocal range of the legendary Whitney Houston. A whole wide range, to be precise. But that has passed. Ok, there might be some anger still simmering beneath the surface or a bit of fear lurking around in the dark corners of my mind, but overall it is the indifference. The actual big question is WHAT IS NEXT? That is exactly what everyone around asks me the very moment after congratulating me. If I had my ways, I would snap, none of your business dude, but alas I can’t do that. I am a grown up and now a professional, and that does not sound very mature or a professional thing to do. However hard I may try to avoid it, but “WHAT IS NEXT?” does hang in front of my eyes like that famed HOLLYWOOD sign. And the best part? I am totally clueless. 

I have absolutely no idea. I have been at home for six months, not having touched a scalpel since that long. And as usual I lack confidence in myself. I really can’t stand people judging me, but when I will step out in the REAL world all eyes would be one me, as a professional of course (now I ain’t a supermodel or something, duh.) I think I do have something up my sleeve, but I don’t know why but it sounds a bit hare brained to me, may be downright stupid to others. But I can’t think of any other thing, given the history. I am planning to join a senior surgeon, just as an observer. That is the dumbest idea, given that I am a certified surgeon myself. Honestly I have lost faith in myself completely. Anyways I have been out of the loop, sitting at home for the last six months. So that is my plan for getting back in the grind. I might think of a teaching job. I love to teach. Right now money isn’t everything for me. I might sound a romantic when I say this, but believe me I am not that anymore, it is only for time being and I do have other plans but too early to say about them. Don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch.

Anyways coming down to the weight loss thingy, I am not going anywhere with that. Already I had gained back 4 kilos. And I have been pretty irregular with gym this week. Honestly haven’t been to gym since Monday. That’s real bad physically and financially. Am wasting my bucks it seems. Plus add to it that wifey was here for the holidays. And the holiday themselves. All that adds up to bloated fat feeling, which I guess are manifesting for real. Right now am scared to get upon the scales. I am pretty sure they would swing in the unfavorable direction. 

Remember I told you that I have two important weddings to attend in the first weeks of November and December each. Right now am planning to skip the November wedding. Reasons, gadget, reasons. So for the December wedding I have exactly 7 weeks to get into shape. Well I might even have to resort to some squishy innerwear (hey I hadn’t anticipated the recent weight gain, and it is all in the middle area). Still even if I have a loss of 1 kilo per week, which means literally starving myself and is near impossible, it comes to a measly 7 kilo weight loss. Only if I set a goal of 2 kilos that is 4.4 pounds loss per week then I might end up at 80 kilos, and that I guess would definitely show on my frame. But that’s totally impossible to achieve. Still they say, if you wanna reach the tree tops aim for the stars…. In no way it can be real but that’s the way I will have to go if I wanna razzle dazzle at the wedding…….

So let’s kick in from tomorrow…….all the best to me, myself and I.

YIPPPEEEE

Yippee-doodle-do......I passed that dreaded exam. Finally. After a four and half years instead of the normal three. But I did it. That is more important. I believe the good is yet to come. And it will all be right in the face of my detractors. But for that I will have to change. Can't continue to be the stupid ol' me. But I will do it. Go on. They haven't seen the last of me.

Right now I don't know how to feel. I should be feeling happy that finally it is over. That am a certified surgeon now. But I am also sad it took too long to reach here. Rather, I deserved it way earlier but was denied. It is a mixed bag of emotions. It is also scary that now I have to step out in to the real world. Work a regular job, a thing I have never done before, build a patient base, make a name for myself. Thinking about all this scares the hell out of me. I am not a people's person. I am really bad at communicating. And the fact that am painfully shy and total introvert doesn't help either. Damn.......

"Mirror Mirror on the wall....Who is the fattest of them all?"

Another day at the gym. Another cardio day, as I had mentioned previously. Right now am continuing with cardio till this weekend. Today I decided to push myself a little more. I did 30 mins on treadmill with jogging for 10 mins. It did require a little effort especially on a modest incline of 3, but it wasn’t as difficult as before. I remember the time when I started the gym, where even a light workout on the treadmill would seem like facing imminent death. My face would go all red, my head would feel as if it would explode, my chest seemed to burst out and my legs all wobbly. If some stranger had seen me outside like that they would have called the ambulance. All the muscles in the body would cry out in unison and seem to curse me for bringing them out of a long overdue hibernation against their will. Na, nothing sort of that happened this time around. It was like a cruise in the park. It means two things, first I have still haven’t lost much over last two months, and second I need to step up on the exercise. The sudden deluge of the people like me in the gym is good for my self esteem. I can hide in this mass of overweight people, instead lumbering up and down like a water buffalo among those gym junkies. Also I try to avoid mirrors at all costs. They are very degrading. In my gym the cardio area thankfully doesn't have the glass paneling but the floor exercise room and the workout areas are completely lined by glass from the floor to the ceiling. Whenever I happen to look at a full body image of mine by chance, the reflection in the mirror seems to mock at me “hey fatso, you are never getting rid of all this fat, you will always be like this”.  I realize I am so fat and it is long way up from here. I feel so terrible on seeing that glob of fat in the mirror, with unsightly vision of spare tires and man boobs projecting out. At times I wonder how the hell did I end up getting that fat? And that my folks, is depressing. I know.

So true......